S1:E10 Hard to Say No? (Part 2 on Guilt)

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[00:00:28] You are allowed to receive love and kindness from other people, and you don't always have to be the one giving because we know that over time we feel lonely and sad like there's nobody for us, and we're always the one giving to others.

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[00:01:24] When we feel guilty saying no to all kinds of opportunities and people and projects. This is not something that gives you work life balance. It's not something that makes you feel successful. It actually takes away our energy, makes us feel alone, and feels like no one is out there to support us. And so if you enjoy this episode, please do give me a positive review.

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[00:02:08] Do you have a hard time saying no to assignments at work, last minute requests, when someone pings you or sends an email, do you feel the need to reply right away or else you feel bad making them wait? Do you have a hard time shutting off your work and your mind when it's quitting time six o'clock? And if there's still work, it's really hard for you to just put an end to it and go home.

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[00:03:05] And more freedom and peace so that our minds can be put at rest instead of needing to constantly be on for everybody else, right? Our children, our spouses, our coworkers, our friends. It's exhausting that way, isn't it? And again, this starts at a very young age. So I'm going to share a few stories today from my childhood as a way for you to remember and evaluate how did this feeling of guilt, For saying no, start in your life.

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[00:04:00] Our everyday lives, including work. And those of you who understand what I'm talking about, it's exhausting, isn't it? It doesn't feel good. How many days of the week do you feel proud, free and happy? Very little, right? Cause that guilt feeling follows you. The minute you wake up, it's there. The minute you sleep, uh, want to go to bed, it creates worry.

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[00:04:50] It felt uncomfortable, even panicky, but for some reason it was my job, my responsibility to open that door and handle whatever came through. And that is not how any of us wants to live. There's a concept of living by default versus living with intention. And I teach a course on how to take ownership of your life.

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[00:05:37] or sit in the tub just for an hour, you know, take a walk, go gardening. Those are never things that we get to because we are stuck in doing things for other people because we feel guilty. If this is you, this podcast is going to show you how to start putting an end to this endless stress so that you can start living.

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[00:06:20] You're always walking so fast because I felt like it didn't have time. How many of you understand what I mean when we feel like I don't have time to do anything? The truth is you don't have a time problem. You probably have a guilt problem. And that's why we're going to the core foundation of why. This has happened so that you can start fixing it.

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[00:06:56] I know because I've, I've been through that many times. So what we actually need to do is fix the guilt issue. So journey with me back to your childhood and think about why we had a guilt complex. I can think of a couple of things. One is just being, feeling like a bother to my family a lot. I mentioned in my last episode, part one of the three guilty goats gruff, that I was a slow eater and this caused my parents a lot of stress and concern.

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[00:07:47] I was criticized quite a bit. And there was other criticism in my home that I was always afraid of getting yelled at. Maybe that contributed to it as well. And so what happened was I had this inability to say no, I started realizing at a young age that instead of. Doing things because I wanted to I usually had choices made for me because of my own guilt for instance I didn't look at people at school, you know, third grade first grade and say I want to be your friend I didn't feel good enough to feel like I had choice So whoever noticed me and came to me I would be their friend and this continued all the way through high school and college and a lot of times unfortunately the people who um Became my friends, maybe weren't my first choice, but I didn't have the agency to go and do things.

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[00:09:02] And now I think about this. In 2023 and go, that's pretty crazy. Who sends their kid out to open the door, but that's what I did. And I had salespeople come by. I had vacuum cleaner people come by one time. It was these two Mormon college students. And I did not know how to say I'm already a different, I already belonged to a different church and being, seeing how friendly they were.

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[00:09:50] What's going on? These people stayed over for half an hour in our house and then after that episode, they said they were going to come back the next day because I was nodding my head saying yes to everything they said. They actually thought I was interested in becoming a Mormon and this is not again any, any slam against religions, but just, just for myself, like I, how could I not?

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[00:10:45] And I still didn't know how to tell them to go home. And this one elder actually began playing the piano. So again, my parents are downstairs probably watching TV. Nobody is coming to say, Hey, my, uh, whatever 12 year old daughter needs to go now. It's just crazy thinking about that. So there's some neglect in my family side or some kind of miss disconnect there where I was on my own.

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[00:11:42] I was already dating someone. I was already dating someone. I had a long distance relationship when I was in college, but if some guy wanted to ask me out again, I think it was, I had a real serious problem here. I did not know how to say no. And so I would still go to dinners with people and. I tried to avoid people.

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[00:12:27] To deal with what happened there, there was, um, there was undergrads there and then there were really old graduate students and one guy in particular kept giving me unwanted attention. The chorale would have picnics together and he'd be saying weird stuff like, are you wearing a swimsuit under there?

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[00:13:04] Having all this shame and guilt that somehow I was doing something wrong that I felt it was my fault remember I took blame for everything and so I felt I was doing something wrong and I took the blame for it. And so this is something I've not shared with anybody before, not a friend, nobody, but it's time to get this out in the open so that I can help shed light on these situations.

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[00:13:53] I was afraid I'd get blamed for things. I was afraid the guy would get in trouble because I would feel guilty if he got reprimanded or had to leave the group. And so I just didn't show up. And my friends were like, where did you go? And I didn't tell anybody. Isn't that crazy? And that's the one thing I regret most from college.

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[00:14:48] I want that guy to leave me alone, but I had no idea what to do and feeling the guilt and shame. That it was my fault. The only option I had was to leave. And so I knew I had a problem that this inability to say no was, was starting to create unnecessary stress for me. It really came to a head though, when I took this attitude into corporate America and one of my jobs, I had a boss who highly believed in me.

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[00:15:42] I had another issue was at a really hard time asking for help. So coupled with that, I did not know how to tell my boss that I could not go to that trip. I was so scared. Maybe in my past, there was. Times I tried to say no to other people and I got reprimanded for that. Maybe I just never had choices in my life I wasn't the kind of kid that was given a lot of ability to make decisions as a matter of fact My mom still picked out my clothes for me my pants my shirt and my shoes.

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[00:16:46] I stressed out every day every night couldn't sleep I was so scared to tell anybody because I felt like such a failure. There was a sense of shame that went along with this guilt, right? Because, you know, some cultures are shame based cultures. Uh, Chinese culture, a lot of Asian culture is shame based, right?

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[00:17:27] I know now as an adult in that environment, I couldn't even tell my coworkers. I was afraid to tell my friends. I just feel like a bad worker. I just feel like a bad person for not being able to go to New York City and bring in awesome partners for my, for my boss, because he's all that mattered in this company is all that mattered.

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[00:18:18] So perhaps logically in my head, I knew that this was okay to do. My feelings. We're very pronounced and told me, no, you, you, you can't do this. You're going to get in big trouble. So I waited until the very last day before I was supposed to fly. And I texted or called my coworker who was also going on this flight.

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[00:19:08] I was totally shocked. I didn't know how to process that as a young 30 some year old. And then finally my boss came. And he said, I just have some final words for you. And he says, I am very, very, very, very disappointed in you, especially since you threw your coworker under the bus. And here I was really confused.

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[00:19:54] So, ladies, if you're listening to this, I don't mean to be morbid, but we really need to address shame and guilt and how difficult it makes our lives. Because if we don't, it could lead to some really drastic consequences. Right? Loss of job for me, uh, even stage 2 breast cancer, right from all the stress, the anxiety, and the nightmares.

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[00:20:24] If you've been following my podcast and you're interested in taking some action now, and you've been looking for a coach to transform your life, to break through that ceiling, go ahead and take the free quiz in the show notes. That's going to show you your biggest roadblock to success. It's just 12 questions and you can do it in three minutes.

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[00:21:12] Now let's get back to our program.

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[00:21:44] But if it was anything like, I want to stay up later, mommy, can I please read an extra book? Instead of saying, dear, this is the last one. It's time for you to go to sleep. Now, I couldn't get those words out. And I knew this about both me and my ex husband, because at one point we babysat a family with five kids and their bedtime was eight.

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[00:22:29] So what is this? If you have children and you are trying to work full time and you have a guilt complex. Of course, you're going to have a really hard time being a full time professional and being a mom because your kids are going to ask for things. They're going to want special meals. They're going to want to stay up late.

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[00:23:19] I know, because I live like that. And so my daughter didn't sleep until she was six months. I made all kinds of reasons, excuses for her, because at one point, at four months, she was sleeping through the night. And then at six months, something happened where we moved to a new apartment and I thought, oh, she's waking up because the room is different and she's scared.

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[00:24:00] But the reality is she said, no, no, no, you do what you need to do as a mother. We have been through that before you, we don't care. You need to do what you need to do. So they were not worried, but I had already let myself worry myself sick the past month. Lose sleep, cause myself distress, feel like a bad mother, feel like a bad neighbor, you know, disintegrated the relationship I had with my husband.

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[00:24:44] She was six months. I was exhausted and that was one of the worst nights ever was I felt so much guilt for letting her cry and telling her mommy needs you to go to bed. I don't know if it was the right or wrong decision. Eventually, she did stop and after spending a week there, you know, she could sleep through the night again.

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[00:25:21] And so if this is how I'm behaving in my personal relationships, you can bet this is how I'm acting in my corporate relationships. And so everything that I did was from a sense of guilt. I don't want to disappoint you. I want to make sure that you're happy. I want to make sure that no one is upset at me.

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[00:26:00] You have a guilt problem because you don't know how to prioritize yourself. You feel guilty for prioritizing yourself. It's not that you don't know when you're accepting something that's too much. You have that, that gut feeling that goes, Oh, this is going to be painful. We all have that, but then we quickly ignore it.

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[00:26:38] The defer is the one that says, Ooh, I already have such a difficult schedule, but I see that my coworker is struggling and she has no idea what she's doing. So I'm going to help her with her project too. The defer is the one that takes all this on. There was a moment of, Ooh, are you sure? And then we ignore that.

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[00:27:14] Don't call anybody out. When, when there's a mistake, we kind of hide it and we don't, we don't embarrass anybody. And this kind of living causes each of us to take on too much responsibility. I know a lot of young children who from the time they're reading middle school, they're helping their parents do a lot of adult activities, like helping with taxes, reading insurance stuff.

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[00:28:00] And that's the exact reason because they have been put through so much responsibility. They think this is normal. And so what they do is they keep this level of stress, this level of intense pressure doing more than three people really can handle. And I know this because when they leave a company, they often tell me, guess what?

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[00:28:41] So why are we doing it? Because what's really causing is a lot of stress. It's causing burnout. It's causing physical damage to our immune systems. We're all getting illnesses and sicknesses because of the stress by age 40. A lot of us again have cancer. We have Hashimoto's. We have eczema. We have early onset arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart issues.

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[00:29:37] Would I think that's okay? Would I think that that is a successful way to run her life? And the answer of course is hell no, right? And if we have that kind of clarity and we have that kind of compassion for a coworker, let us start turning that compassion to ourselves and realize, wow, I am doing this to myself.

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[00:30:22] I have an affirmation for you that is going to help you not just in your personal relationships, but also in the kind of work relationships that you generally find yourself in and attracted to, the high stress, difficult people that seems to be the environment you find yourself in.

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[00:31:11] You don't have to feel compelled and almost forced to always be the one. Fixing other people's problems, offering advice, giving suggestions and trying to make things right. You don't have to feel upset when you're trying to help and they don't want to take it. You don't have to feel bad when you're trying to explain the truth to somebody and they won't accept it.

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[00:32:02] you don't have to always be the protector and watching out for other people. But when it comes to yourself, you haven't practiced the habit of protecting yourself and making things fair for you. You don't have to feel safest only when you're giving. You are allowed to receive, you are allowed to receive love and kindness from other people, and you don't always have to be the one giving.

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[00:33:01] Or a problem to solve or somebody to help. I'm allowed to have fun. I'm allowed to have hobbies. And I don't have to abandon my routine or my daily habits just for somebody else. I'm allowed to start saying no when I mean no. I'm allowed to meet my needs first. Without interrupting my daily life to meet yours.

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[00:34:00] And I'm allowed to finally ask for what I want, need, and desire without feeling guilt, without apologizing, and without feeling selfish because that's what humans were meant to do.

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[00:34:36] You've come to the end of episode 10, Three Guilty Goats Gruff Part 2. And next week we're going to start talking about the last piece of how guilt really affects us, and that is in our decision making.

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[00:35:18] So be sure to join us next week for episode 11, three guilty goats gruff, Part 3.

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[00:35:54] I'll see you next week.