S1:E5 Stop Proving Yourself
We are called the "Model Minority" for being hard-working, loyal and reliable. We put everyone else's needs first.
But do you ever feel that the sacrifice is too much? That someone being a people pleaser doesn't benefit us, but actually hurts our careers and our lives? Because the root problem of many over acheivers is the feeling that "I'm not enough."
This episode connects the dots on why so many Asians feel this way, and more importantly how to stop the cycle of people pleasing and overachieving, when it becomes an addiction.
*Take the FREE ASSESSMENT My Personal Roadblock to Success
[00:00] Teaser
[00:55] Episode 5 Intro
[01:55] Why are we talking about our childhoods if this is a career podcast?
[04:28] Both Grandmas undervalued, unwanted
[07:12] Generational Trauma
[11:33] People Pleaser is created
[14:31] Why I Became an Overacheiver
[15:20] But what happens when it becomes an addiction?
[18:24]] BREAK
[18:57] Why proving yourself is exhausting?
[20:36] We all cope: Asians choose hard work.
[21:48] Strategy 1: One surprising cure to proving yourself
[25:02] Strategy 2: How to stop proving yourself
[28:02] Why Speaking up matters, even if others don't change
[29:49] AFFIRMATION
[33:49] Preview of Episode 6
Looking for a coach? Book a Confidence Igniter call with Jeanny
Theme Song: Imagine by Zoo
Mid-roll Song: Making Progress by Dan Phillipson
Affirmation Song: Ghost by Piano Yeti
Post-roll Song: Clarity by Zoo
Transcript
[00:00:25] And so it was like a trap where you really didn't want to keep going, but you didn't know how to get out.
[:[00:00:50] So you can finally break that career ceiling and get what you want in life.
[:[00:01:27] If you want to learn about your own biggest roadblock to personal success, Be sure to take the quiz I've created for you at asiansbreakingceilings. com and leave a review for me at podchaser. com. Any comments you leave, I'll be sure to write back. So let's jump into today's episode, Ceiling Breakers, so we can achieve authentic success, without the stress.
[:[00:02:16] You're going to feel embarrassed. You're going to feel really anxious about even getting those words out. How do I know this? Cause I've been there. And I've coached hundreds of women and men who also, it's not a communication problem we have. It's a permission problem. And so for the next few episodes, we're going to talk about how we came to be people pleasers, right?
[:[00:02:58] That's what this episode is going to be about. As I'm sharing stories about myself again, it's not for you to have pity on me or to send me email going, I'm sorry that happened to you. I want us to travel back in time together so that we can take. Some incidences and events that happen and make sense of them in the correct way.
[:[00:04:04] Right. And how do we become people pleasers? That is a result of having our heart broken, I believe, and having it re glued together in a way that wasn't quite right. And so here are the incidences I remember where I began to be afraid of people and not wanting to get yelled at. And again, when I share these instances, I'm not here to blame or cancel anybody.
[:[00:04:51] She would tell me stories about how she was One sibling, she had one sibling, an older brother, and she did all the chores, and he got a lot of preferential treatment. This was back in the 19... 20s, 1930s. And every summer she would visit me and my mom and my family and she would tell me these sad stories.
[:[00:05:53] And so when she got married, she was the second wife. She got married to a much older man who already had a first wife. So my dad and his four brothers, so including himself, five kids were part of the family that had a father and a first wife and he was the second wife's children. She never got an education and she was bitter.
[:[00:06:43] And so I will just suffice to say for this episode, there was a lot of issues with my maternal and mostly my paternal grandfather side of the family with fighting. And my paternal grandmother, on the day that my mom and dad got married, some major stuff went down. Major, major disrespect. Major cruelty.
[:[00:07:33] And so I understand that and forgive all that now, but that took a long, long time for me to finally understand why my family life was so painful as a child. And so our arguments in my family, I was the only child, the arguments were about money and my father was the only one that ever made it to the United States on my mom, on his side.
[:[00:08:21] And the argument was always about, we have a young child ourselves. How can we afford to send any money back home to your family? And because that, um, in law relationship was so painful, It made it especially bitter, right, for my mom. And so, they didn't know how to resolve this, and being in an Asian family, no one talked about therapy.
[:[00:09:03] You're the substitute mother. And my mother definitely had that role. And so not only did she not have an outlet, she couldn't tell anybody and her siblings. And so. I learned at a young age that when we have conflict and problems, we don't tell anybody, which of course always perpetuates the problem. But the biggest fear was I was afraid of getting yelled at.
[:[00:09:48] And so every time my dad would go shopping, uh, I remember them fighting about broccoli. You know, my dad saw some broccoli on sale and instead of buying one head of broccoli, he bought three because, you know, he wanted to save money and my mom would flip out and then he'd get yelled at. So there was a lot of conflict at my family.
[:[00:10:41] So that definitely was something that I tried to do because you feel so out of control. There's a few factors, right? You feel out of control. You don't know when the next time Your family is going to have a blowout and it's scary as scary as it's really, really frightening for a young child. In addition to that, as I mentioned previously, uh, my parents were really busy.
[:[00:11:33] So when I got to the United States, I felt. Ignored and I had anxiety that they were going to fight and I believe that's enough to start a child on this people pleasing trend because you feel unloved and you're worried about the people around you. And so at a young age, I learned that if I tried to be a good girl, whatever that was, maybe I can make my mom smile.
[:[00:12:23] So that was one day I had certainty that my family would not be yelling at each other. And that day was also the day we went to eat dim sum. So to this day, when I eat dim sum, I get really giddy happy. All these emotions come back. And I'm sharing this because so much of our memories are tied into things.
[:[00:13:01] To this, to this day, I love dim sum. And so when it wasn't Chinese New Year, I was scared. I thought anxiety was normal. I would, I would always watch my mom. I would always be gauging, you know, is she happy today? I'd come home from school a little bit scared and just kind of listen and see if she was in a bad mood.
[:[00:13:47] That's one area that I felt she could be pleased with. And as I got older, it got worse, right? So I'm not sure if I did it for her or did it for me. It doesn't really matter, but I definitely began more and more using school test grades, rank, In school as a way for me to feel valuable, maybe as a way for me to feel secure, because when I was working really hard, trying to please her, I felt like I had some ability to influence my family and to Stop the chaos, right?
[:[00:14:55] Except the problem is what about when you're not achieving? I noticed that in the summer times when I had my that time, 16 weeks, 14 weeks of summer break, I was depressed. I didn't feel like I had control. If my parents were going to yell or be upset, I had no way to stop the fight because my one coping mechanism, my one weapon, so to speak, was getting good grades.
[:[00:15:41] And when I rested, I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't like who I was because it felt like there weren't many other areas in my personal life that were satisfying. I wasn't dating. I didn't have a lot of friends. I wasn't allowed to do sports during the school year once I was a high school kid because I was supposed to focus on academics and there was just not a lot in my personal life that I had spent time developing.
[:[00:16:36] And by the time we finished college, we were very good at being people pleasers where we've become extremely good achievers. But as many of us know, it's become an addiction and it's painful, and it comes at a great cost for those of us who had tiger parents or any kind of helicopter parent. The additional stress of that, which I will discuss in a different episode, added a lot of pain, added a lot of pressure, a lot of feelings that we had to be perfect.
[:[00:17:29] This is what I mean when I say our issue is not just trying to break through the bamboo ceiling. It's more like getting out of the bamboo jungle in which all these pressures, perfectionism, the need to succeed, the need to be perfect, the need to have control. The coping mechanisms we have to deal with fear and indecision in our life, to deal with insecurity, to deal with rejection, to deal with abandonment.
[:[00:18:24] Before we start the second half of this episode, if you're of Asian descent and you wanna discover what your personal biggest roadblock is to success, go ahead and take the free quiz at asiansbreakingceilings.com.
[:[00:18:57] The reason people pleasing is exhausting and it doesn't really translate to a happy life is the motivation behind it is usually anxiety, right? Or fear. If I don't do this correctly, you know, I might get criticized. If I don't do this correctly, you will be disappointed. If I don't do things a certain way, you might not like me.
[:[00:19:53] In an environment with a lot of fear and uncertainty and it wasn't even that our parents did anything wrong, but having that constant adrenaline rush that constant fear of what can go wrong was never meant to Be our motivation to live. I truly believe that Unconditional love is the most important thing and without that Many of us look for substitutes and coping mechanisms because that is the one ingredient that fills our heart and when our heart doesn't feel full, we go and find other things, right?
[:[00:21:07] This is also a coping mechanism. I did this for years, and it was a substitute for love. I know that now, and this is how I know, because when you feel loved, and you know how to love and care for yourself, that feeling lasts. It's a feeling of contentment, of security. Of freedom of lightness. And I don't think I ever had that feeling until I was probably 45 or 46.
[:[00:22:29] I was going through a divorce. I was getting to a point where I was depressed and I felt like I couldn't get out of bed. And I said, I need to have something else to live for or I am not going to be motivated. And so I went on Craigslist and I got myself this beautiful little Shih Tzu. And at this time I was working full time.
[:[00:23:15] Yes, dogs can smile. They show their teeth. And I just felt so appreciated by her. And she was so consistent. And the crazy thing is for the first time in my life, I go, Oh my gosh, this is what unconditional love looks like. And for the first time I realized by comparison, I did not grow up that way. I was constantly afraid of.
[:[00:23:59] And so... The awareness was the beginning of change. Maybe it was several years later when I said, you know, I want to treat myself the way that Mimi treats me. I used to label days good and bad. If I got a lot done, if people in my life were kind to me, if people appreciated me, if they said good job, and if nothing negative happened where I didn't get criticized or yelled at or told that I was not enough, then I would call it a good day.
[:[00:25:02] So one of the things. I want you to try is look at your life today, and you might need to listen to the next episode before you practice this because one of the, one of the reasons that we don't change is we are in denial. And there's a whole episode coming up about that. Uh, what Egypt has to do with roadblocks to success.
[:[00:25:47] We have emotions for a reason. When we're angry, sad, upset, it's a signal that something's wrong, that we're not being taken care of, and we need to start expressing these emotions. So right now, just from today, look at your life and go, which area, what event, or what person causes me the most stress? And it's not complaining, it's not being bitchy, you're just being honest.
[:[00:26:26] Look at this. Because when we're in denial and we tell ourselves, I'm fine, it'll get better. It's my fault. I'll just work harder. We cover up the problem. And so by you being on this pod, listening to this podcast already, I'm guessing you're already self aware and that's a very, very good start. So pinpoint one thing that's causing you stress.
[:[00:27:12] Whenever you feel something, acknowledge it. Go, I'm allowed to have feelings and I'm allowed to go fix something. That's stressful. I believe that the reason a lot of us don't fix things that are stressful is because we grew up in very stressful situations and we're used to it and we think it's normal, but the goal of this podcast is to show, you know, stress is meant to be an alarm that, that tells you I need help.
[:[00:28:02] I know, scary. Go deal with that person directly. Many people tell me, but you know what, nothing's going to change. They won't listen. True, but here's why your voice is so important. This is the way you're going to start changing your people pleasing habits. Is when you use your voice, when you finally speak the truth.
[:[00:28:52] Guess what? Because you're speaking up for yourself. You are not speaking up for their sake. I found this out in such a cool way where when you have the agency to say, The last three emails I sent, I'm waiting for a response from you. I'm concerned that our communication is going to hold up the project deadlines, even if just saying that will make you feel less like a victim, less like you're being bullied and that you have some control.
[:[00:29:49] If you, if this episode brings up memories for you. Feeling unwanted, unloved, I get you and I've got a meditation for you. I've got a little something that I'm recording for you right now so that you can be filled with the truth and you can let go a little bit today of that feeling because that's a leftover feeling.
[:[00:30:38] One day in her office, I can still see her glasses and her brown hair and she said to me, Jeanny You were a perfect little daughter. Any loving parent would have wanted you and cherished you and loved you. And that's what I've got for you right now is my dear ceiling breaker. You were born perfect. You were born to be loved.
[:[00:31:30] You don't have to keep being perfect. So that your career and your personal life is all together. It's your mistakes and your quirkiness and your incompleteness that makes you human and makes you lovable and fun. There are so many things about you that you don't remember and think about that others see and experience that make you who you are and you are loved.
[:[00:32:22] You're going to be overwhelmed. With all the goodness and the amazingness that is inside you that's not yet tapped. And you're going to really like yourself. And when that moment comes, it will not matter anymore what your boss says, what people at your company say behind your back. It's not going to matter what your ex did to you or thought about you.
[:[00:33:07] How you feel about yourself can be changed in three, four, five short months. And when your understanding of yourself is actually lined up with who you really are, you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. And you're gonna feel light, and you're gonna love your life, and you're gonna discover a happiness that you haven't had since you were two.
[:[00:33:49] Next week, we'll be talking about achievement orientation and how many of us, when we feel like we're not enough, we have a compulsion to work and work really hard: Asian hard. And that's too much because again, it's become a compulsion. It's become something we don't know how to stop. And so if this has been you your whole life, I completely understand that there is a way out and it's simpler than you think.
[:[00:34:43] I'll be posting at 11 a. m. Pacific every morning, which is two o'clock Eastern. So I'll see you there.
