S1:E8 Sorry, Not Sorry

[: 00:00:00

[00:00:18] Your brain doesn't get context. All it hears is someone apologizing all day, and it's training yourself to feel like something's wrong, that you're making mistakes. And so you're unintentionally training yourself to be less and less confident every time you say sorry.

[: 00:00:36

[00:01:01] In episode eight, we are looking at the habit we have of apologizing unnecessarily and demonstrating the difference between what situations really deserve an apology and need an apology and what situations don't. Many of us have this habit since childhood, and it is one of the greatest ways that we actually lower our confidence day by day and train our brains to feel less than we are and feel like we're not enough.

[: 00:01:30

[00:01:50] Now let's dive into our show.

[: 00:01:59

[00:02:23] You know, I've made this ironic, sad, but also very powerful observation that the people in the world who need to apologize, who really are hurting people, who are maybe intentionally or unintentionally hurting other people with their actions and their words are usually the people who don't ever apologize and never say sorry.

[: 00:02:43

[00:03:02] I am pretty certain because they're not in the same headspace, right? The ones who want to learn, who want to be better, who want to be kinder, loving, and make an impact are the ones who tend to over apologize. I want to share with you some Instances in my life, certain people, I won't name names that I know should have apologized to me because they impacted me in such a negative and long lasting way that a lot of my hiccups, my PTSD feelings of being small and inadequate were caused by it.

[: 00:03:33

[00:03:58] And so as I'm sharing this, there are so many of you listening, ceiling breakers that are empaths and you love other people, but I don't want you to think about me and write me emails and go, Oh, poor Jeannie. My whole goal of this podcast is to help you recognize what Similar events have happened to you.

[: 00:04:16

[00:04:35] I remember when I got my first job out of college. I already had my self esteem so low because some of you know, I was disowned by my mom as a junior in college when I knew that my grades were so bad there was no way I was even going to apply to med school. And this had been a, I don't know, 18 year dream in the making for my parents.

[: 00:04:57

[00:05:12] So I frankly had no interest in biology. Some of it was fun, but I liked the animal aspect. I actually wanted to be a marine biologist. And so as I'm studying all this stuff in college, uh, the chemistry, the biology, it was so difficult. Long story short, I did not go to med school, felt like a total failure.

[: 00:05:31

[00:05:53] So my first job, I gotta tell you this, was not. Something I'm proud of. I was an office manager for a company and my salary was 18, 000 a month. No, a year, excuse me, 18, 000 a year. So my confidence was already pretty low. And from this place, one of the team members said, Hey, you should try writing. I bet you're a good writer.

[: 00:06:13

[00:06:39] This is garbage. This is complete bleep. And she was so loud. The entire office could hear her. And she didn't stop. She didn't care that this was my first job ever. She didn't care or know anything about my background. She just blasted me. And being the first job out of college, having never met someone as rude as her outside of my own personal family life, I was flabbergasted.

[: 00:07:05

[00:07:25] But I never confronted her and she never said, sorry, those are the kinds of people that need to apologize. Many years later, I was in a job in which, uh, and I, I have a tendency to seek out very, very, uh, tough bosses because I always grew up feeling like if I did something easy, it wasn't worth it. I had to pick hard things and, and doing the hard things made you feel like a good enough person.

[: 00:07:50

[00:08:10] If you listen to my previous episode, she was the one that took me into the office and said, Why didn't you get the intern to sign an NDA? So constantly I would be feeling humiliated by her. Right. And then, you know what really hurt? I tried many times to get into an MBA program and one of the years I didn't get in, I called the school.

[: 00:08:28

[00:08:59] Letter a recommendation for me to get an MBA. My co worker heard this and she goes, ooh, you should quit. This is personal. This is personal. If you don't want to write a good recommendation for someone just say no. And so that is the kind of person that needs to apologize and to start loving people more and being kinder.

[: 00:09:18

[00:09:37] Yes. You know, please help me. And so I got my friend, this colleague to interview for my company and they loved her. Of course she was spectacular. And for several weeks, there was a back and forth between the old company trying to keep her and the new company saying, no, we want you come on over. And so finally she chose a new company and she became my co worker at this new company and I was thrilled.

[: 00:09:57

[00:10:16] Do you know how much blood and sweat I put into this? And I didn't expect it to be you trying to steal my employee. And again, I was at an age and a stage in my life where I took all the blame. I didn't even think that maybe she could be wrong or that she was being a bit unreasonable. When I look back at that, I think, you know, my coworker approached me.

[: 00:10:37

[00:10:55] And I took the blame and, and since this day, I have not talked to her, but that affected me again for maybe a year, two, three years, I felt like I did something wrong. That's the kind of person that needs to apologize and go, you know what, I'm sorry for putting the blame on you. I didn't really want to admit that my company was a shit show and that people were leaving left and right and that I was mistreating that employee and she had free will to leave.

[: 00:11:19

[00:11:40] And one of the first things I did was audition for a local community college quartet that was going to sing chamber music. And I hadn't had any voice lessons, very good training at that time. So Garren, you know, granted I wasn't that great, but what this man told me, and he was the head, the music department leader of this community college.

[: 00:12:00

[00:12:21] And my confidence was crushed. My entire dream was crushed. And guess what? Today I sing in a jazz band, which I get standing ovations and people throw tips at us. I have taken voice lessons where my opera teacher said you were phenomenal. And if you had started when you were 18 years old, you would have been a world, a world class opera singer.

[: 00:12:41

[00:13:04] And there's some area in your life that no matter how hard you try or how badly you want, you're just not cut out for it. Right. And so this kind of belief, this kind of wrong thinking, especially when someone is in an authoritative position and they, um, say it to you with such force and such confidence can crush you for years and years, that man needs to apologize, right?

[: 00:13:30

[00:13:51] I don't know how to do small talk. I will never be able to draw. You know, I just, I'm just not smart or I have to work harder than everybody else just because that's the way I am. Or, Oh, my English isn't so good. So I have to prove myself and work twice as hard just to catch up with everybody else. All of us have something right where we feel is a, a weakness or an Achilles heel.

[: 00:14:18

[00:14:35] And then when we get it, we realize it's too late or too little. Uh, as you might know, I've shared before that my parents fought a lot when I was a little girl. And I grew up very nervous, very anxious. And at a young age, I would come home from school and I would look at my mom's face and I would, I would quickly survey and see if maybe she was in a bad mood.

[: 00:14:55

[00:15:14] She would end up becoming the victim. She would say things like, I tried to be the best mother. That's called gaslighting. So if it's something like that, there's, there's never going to be an apology. from that person. And through my years of therapy and counseling, one of the best ones I had, she said to me, and finally I heard it the truth.

[: 00:15:32

[00:15:53] When I finally. admitted and believed her that my mom was not going to change and I gave myself permission to stop having these conversations with her over and over again to see if maybe our relationship could be healed. That was when freedom came for me and I needed to stop believing the things she said to me.

[: 00:16:12

[00:16:38] I wasn't going to try to call her every week. And I was never ever going to expect a sorry from her. That was not going to happen and I didn't need it. And the pursuit of that sorry was going to kill me. I found out two years later I had breast cancer. So yeah, all that trauma. Wanting so much for the relationship to work and feeling resentful, angry, bitter, all that, all that shame, um, really does a number on your body.

[: 00:17:03

[00:17:24] You know, he grew up again with a mom who I shared with you in the previous episode was the daughter of a very well known well off family in Taiwan. Who got, she got disowned literally. She was given away as a baby and sold into a family, poor family where she was a servant. She was a second wife. Her whole life was crap.

[: 00:17:41

[00:18:03] And so they keep making excuses why the current situation is okay. And they stay and that's completely my father. Any case, he had moments where he could come out of that. And he apologized to me when I was in high school. And he said this Jeannie, you know, I'm sorry that mom and dad have fought so much and that we have made it so hard for you to study.

[: 00:18:34

[00:18:50] I'd be alone for days. I, you know, there'd be, um, Broken glass, broken everything around the house. There was a hole in the garage at one point. These were violent fights. And I was scared out of my mind. Because part of it was I was supposed to hide this from other people, right? We were very, uh, hot. What is it?

[: 00:19:08

[00:19:25] I thought it would. I felt this big ball of anger and resentment and helplessness and betrayal because what mattered to him was the grades. Maybe he didn't intend it that way, but that's all I felt was I'm only important to you because of the grades. What about me as a person? Do you know what this has done to me as a person?

[: 00:19:50

[00:20:22] She said, do you know how many times you've said, sorry in the last half an hour? I said, no, I don't even realize it. But when I started observing myself over the next few week, few weeks, I realized I said sorry as an opener for everyday conversations. Sorry, can I ask you a question? Sorry, I won't be able to help you do that.

[: 00:20:44

[00:21:10] In the second half of our show, before we start the second half of this episode, if you're of Asian descent and you want to discover what your personal biggest roadblock is to success, go ahead and take the free quiz at asiansbreakingceiling. com. If you're liking this podcast, be sure to leave a review for me at Podchaser.com and then follow me on Instagram @ jeannychai so you can be notified whenever a new episode drops. Now let's get back to our show.

[: 00:21:46

[00:22:08] When you can't help someone finish a task because it's really not your responsibility. Do you say sorry? I won't be able to help you in all of these situations. You have not done anything wrong and in Asian culture We have this very humble self discipline Deprecating self effacing mannerism that actually works.

[: 00:22:29

[00:22:46] You come across as if you're doing something wrong. It takes away your executive presence. It takes away your assertiveness. It takes away your ability to look like a leader. You look like a loser instead. And I've seen this over and over again. This affects women definitely much more than it ever affects men.

[: 00:23:07

[00:23:32] You do not try to cut corners. You do not try to take other people's work when you really didn't do anything. You're the kind of person that's actually moral, that has integrity, that does more than you need to, that is intelligent, right? That takes one for the team. You're not the one that needs to be apologizing yet.

[: 00:23:52

[00:24:13] I didn't want to wait in the long lines and every year I went, every time I went there'd be lines of people, the wait was an hour, two hours. So I waited about a year and a half to finally get a seat. And I think I had to wait 40 minutes. So I was super excited because you've got people making these gorgeous little xiaolongbao, little steamed dumplings, and the skin is so thin.

[: 00:24:31

[00:24:52] She goes, sorry, here's your menu. Okay. And then she brings my water out later. She goes, I'm sorry. We're a bit short staff today. Okay, no worries, no worries. And then she seats another cute little couple next to me and I hear her apologizing to them. And she says, here you go, sorry, we're a little bit short staffed.

[: 00:25:10

[00:25:31] They were phenomenal. The little, little xiaolongbao were the Best I ever had the soup inside. The soup dumplings were amazing. Everything was perfect. I had a beautiful experience, except this waitress had apologized a dozen times. And at one point in my experience, I thought, shit, I should have come on a different day and I was getting upset and angry at the restaurant for daring to, I don't know, have a subpar experience for me when I'd waited for so long to experience them, but it, but it was all in my head because why, because this little waitress.

[: 00:26:03

[00:26:28] And they see you differently and you're creating an environment where in which you will not be as respected in which people might think something is your fault. And so if you are living in Western corporate America, absolutely. In your, in your workplace, in your career, start noticing when you say, sorry, instead of saying, sorry, I can't help you or sorry, I'm late.

[: 00:26:49

[00:27:16] And so if you're constantly saying wonderful things to yourself, praise, pride, compliments, You're training your brain to like yourself. If you are constantly believing criticisms, like last week, you should have done this earlier. You should have figured this out. Oh, you should have known that I told you so.

[: 00:27:35

[00:28:00] Do you know who really needs an apology? It's yourself. Those of us who are apologetic, overly apologetic, unnecessarily. The reality is. We have lived in anxiety. We have lived in fear of our own capabilities. We are such people pleasers that we're always watching out for other people, aren't we? We're more concerned about the opinions of others, whether we're letting them down, whether we made them happy or not.

[: 00:28:28

[00:28:57] I was trying to make the world happy when in reality, I could have spent that time looking at myself, loving myself. and taking care of me and making myself happy. And so I'm guessing my dear ceiling breaker, that you are similar. If you're listening to this podcast, that you've disconnected from your dreams, your wants, what really matters to you, what's really important to you and you have forgotten how to make yourself happy.

[: 00:29:28

[00:29:42] Dear Ceiling Breaker, I'm sorry that when you were a little girl, you didn't get to sit on someone's lap. And know every day that you were special, that you were a gift, and that you liked in life, whether you had Intelligence in math or not, whether you were going to be a doctor or not, you were unconditionally loved.

[: 00:30:12

[00:30:37] Or you, you, you had a moment of disobedience and the punishment was so great that you took all the blame. I'm sorry that you had so much pressure. Responsibility as a kid, that maybe some of you were helping your parents to translate their insurance papers, and you knew it was an adult's job, but no one else could speak English, and so you were doing it as a young girl.

[: 00:31:03

[00:31:30] I'm sorry that it feels like there's no finish line for you, that no matter how much you accomplish and how much you do, you still feel like there's the next activity now that's waiting for you. I am sorry that you've had a tendency to keep proving yourself and work for very difficult people in companies with very high standards, and that you have felt your self worth comes from grades and promotions and performance reviews, never realizing that you were a And you have felt pressure year after year, month after month of running a race that has no finish line.

[: 00:32:08

[00:32:31] And I'm sorry that you haven't been promoted. And that you've been overworked and undervalued and you still work hard thinking that something's going to change. And now you're realizing that if I want to see change. I need to do something about it. And finally, this is the year that you've realized I get to take ownership and that I no longer need to live by default.

[: 00:32:53

[00:33:22] It's time for me to feel good, but that day hasn't come because you just keep raising the bar and now the stakes are even higher. The pressure is greater, the visibility is even higher and now you have to perform even more. I'm sorry for you that the pressure never lets up and I'm sorry that because of the way you grew up you have a tendency to stay and work with people who don't respect you and don't treat you well and instead of leaving those relationships you have a habit of making excuses for that person.

[: 00:33:59

[00:35:04] I'm here to tell you, you are approved already. There is a natural beauty and a value about you that can never be taken away, that no one else can steal or diminish. And what you want to do is give yourself a hug, apologize to yourself for all the ways that you have bullied yourself in saying, I'm not smart.

[: 00:35:28

[00:35:53] You are actually an amazing human being and you are given permission right now to give yourself a hug and to take your power back. And to realize all those apologies were unnecessary and you're cleared, your name, your reputation is cleared. You are a badass in the making and we've got to brush off that dust so that the confidence can come back.

[: 00:36:22

[00:36:43] They go, look, mommy, look what I did. And if you are not confident, it's because your environment and people in your life took that away intentionally or not doesn't matter, but it's not your fault. And it is your birthright to come back and to be strong, to feel confident, to feel excited, to feel hopeful, to feel proud of yourself every day.

[: 00:37:05

[00:37:33] Because I'm telling you the truth. And I have done this for over 300 women. I've done this for myself. I'm doing this for my own children. And helping them realize all the shame. Any embarrassment, any feelings of I wasn't good enough or people didn't care has nothing to do with you. You are a miracle. You are beautiful.

[: 00:37:53

[00:38:15] You were meant to live with confidence and excitement and motivation. And you were allowed to wake up every morning and feel the joy of fulfillment. Feel the joy that you're going to have a successful day because you finally know how to direct your life and you are confident. And you're not apologetic anymore for anything in your life because all that matters is the light that you have within you, the talents, the skills that are waiting to shine, that are waiting to create and make a huge impact on the world.

[: 00:38:47

[00:39:04] Week nine is going to be about guilt. And finally, how to overcome things that we still feel guilty for, whether it's been two years, a few months or years and years in the past, we must let go of things that still make us feel shame, make us feel like we're not good enough. And we made big unrecoverable mistakes.

[: 00:39:22

[00:39:45] If you've liked this episode, please leave a review for me at podchaser. com. And please more importantly, tell your friends, your colleagues. And people you love about this podcast so that we can reach as many Asian American women and their allies so that we can really experience authentic success without the stress.